When someone on the team loses their way, performance drops, or motivation fades, the first reaction is usually to point at them. “They’re demotivated.” “They don’t care.” “They’re not performing.” The instinct to find someone to blame kicks in automatically, and almost immediately comes the temptation to rely on tools that put the entire weight of responsibility on the other person. It’s the fastest option, the most bureaucratic one, and it gives you the comforting feeling that, as a leader, you’re “doing something.”
But I want to invite you to pause and look at the problem from a different angle. There’s a small but interesting book called Extreme Ownership that puts forward a fairly radical idea, irony intended: the leader is fully responsible for everything that happens on their team. Everything. Even the things they don’t execute directly.
Leaders must own everything in their world. There is no one else to blame.
The idea of extreme ownership might sound a bit marketing-driven at first, but at its core it’s a way of approaching leadership with a mindset of total commitment. It means setting aside excuses, finger-pointing, and lukewarm explanations, and starting to look inward instead. And when a team member loses focus, performance, or motivation, the real work begins with asking yourself:
- What am I not doing that’s preventing this person from performing?
- Am I giving them real clarity about their mission and goals, or am I leaving them adrift?
- Is their sense of purpose connected to the organization’s purpose?
- Am I creating the conditions they need to feel motivated, challenged, and supported?
- Am I truly available as a leader, or do I only show up when things go wrong?
Rather than looking for someone else to hold responsible, a leader who genuinely adds value to the organization and embraces this philosophy is one who takes ownership. Not from a place of guilt, but from action. They get involved, ask questions, offer tools, provide context, and bring strategy down to earth. And if that still isn’t enough, they double down. That’s the difference between delegating and disengaging. Between letting go and disappearing.
The shift is to stop repeating “this person isn’t performing” and start asking “what didn’t I do to help them perform?” Maybe they need more frequent feedback. Maybe they’re misaligned with the team. Maybe they never fully understood what was expected of them. In every one of those cases, there’s an opportunity for the leader to step in and act from a place of responsibility.
Sometimes it’s also worth questioning whether the systems around leadership, processes, policies, and support practices, are actually designed to sustain this level of commitment. Are we creating environments where leaders can truly take responsibility? Or are we reinforcing dynamics that prioritize formality over the human side of work?
We love to repeat the word “autonomy,” but we often misuse it to mean “everyone’s on their own.” And that’s where things go wrong. Being a good leader isn’t about giving freedom and stepping back completely. It’s about staying close, observing, listening, and acting at the right time. It’s understanding that supporting people also means providing context, setting direction, and being willing to have difficult conversations. It’s about creating the conditions for every team member to reach their full potential.
Of course, taking responsibility for everything is uncomfortable. It challenges your ego, stirs up guilt, and forces you into uncomfortable territory. But it’s also what separates a reactive boss from a real leader. Because when you take extreme ownership of your team, you build something far more valuable than a solid deliverable: you build trust. You create a bond that survives mistakes, uncertainty, and changing circumstances. And holding that line, that integrity, is priceless.
When you’ve genuinely done everything you could, when you’ve supported, given feedback, and clearly set the path, and the person still doesn’t improve, then yes, you can make a different decision from a place of coherence. Not to protect yourself, but to protect the team. But not before. Not as a first option. Not as punishment for your own absence.
Leading isn’t about controlling or punishing. It’s about stepping up when things don’t work, choosing discomfort, and taking responsibility even when blaming others would be easier. Because in the end, a team will never perform beyond what its leader is willing to own.
And if you can’t face that honestly… maybe the one who isn’t performing is yourself.